Learning to listen

 

(RSA. (2013, Dec 10). Brene Brown on Empathy [Video]. YouTube.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw)

Emotion coaching

Imagine you have a balloon. Start blowing it up. Each breath of air you blow into it represents your emotions - happiness, anger, sadness, excitement. Sometimes, emotions like frustration or anger can build up inside us, just like the air in the balloon. Take a marker and draw little faces that represent said emotions - happy, sad, excited, angry - this shows that emotions are always there, even when we can't see them as clearly. Keep blowing air into the balloon until it's nearly at its limit. If we don't learn how to let some of the emotions out in a healthy way what do you think will happen to the balloon? It could POP - when we don't talk about our feelings or get help managing them they can build up so much that we explode. OR pinch the balloon's opening and slowly let the air out with a controlled release. When we talk about our emotions and have help from someone we avoid an explosion. Emotion coaching is like a balloon. We (the parents) need to learn how to listen to our children so all their emotions don't get stored inside until they are ready to explode. 

How we talk to our kids determines how they develop their emotional intelligence. During an interview back in 2012 Dr John Gottman said his daughter helped him become good father. He said, "I learned from her how to be a good parent because I learned how to listen to her" (Gottman, 2012, 0:05). Listen to your child. Try for a moment to feel what your child is experiencing. One day my daughter found out that her best friend might be moving. To say she was sad is putting it lightly. She was heartbroken. She was sobbing. I pulled her in close, held her tight, and cried with her. I have never had a close friend move. I don't know what that is like but I do know what it feels like to be so sad you can't move. All you can do is curl up in a ball and cry. I held her and let her cry. I helped her slowly release some of the air in her balloon. The same goes for other emotions.

Children who receive emotion coaching learn to be emotionally intelligent. They understand their feelings, can express them in healthy ways, and are better at managing emotional challenges as they grow. Emotional intelligence is linked to success in relationships, problem-solving, and overall well-being. Dr Gottman gave us 5 steps to create an emotional connection with our children.

1. Notice your child's emotions, even smaller emotions.

• Simply pay attention. My children are often very apparent with their emotions but that may not always be the case. Look for body language, tone of voice, and even certain words. Watch for signs of frustration, sadness, or anger, and take note of when these emotions arise.

1. Help your child feel understood. Be compassionate and validate that emotion.

• When your child is experiencing a strong emotion, connect with them on an emotional level. Acknowledge their feelings, even if you don’t agree with their reaction. For example, if your child is angry because they lost a game, you can say, “I can see that you’re upset about losing. That must be hard.”

1. Help your child verbally put a label on the specific emotion.

• This might seem simple, but many children struggle with identifying and articulating emotions. By labeling them—“I see you’re feeling frustrated”—you’re teaching them emotional awareness.

1. Help your child understand where the feeling is coming from.

• Allow your child to express their emotions without immediately jumping in to solve the problem. Just listening and validating their feelings—“It’s okay to feel upset when things don’t go as planned”—is incredibly powerful. This step will help them feel understood.

1. Set limits if there is misbehavior - not all behavior is acceptable.

• Help your child find better ways to express their feelings. Offer alternatives or coping strategies they can use the next time they feel frustrated or angry. This provides them with tools to manage their emotions in a healthier way and encourages self-regulation.

This clip from Inside Out is a perfect example of this.

(ThecurlyQcutie, 2016, Nov 22, Emotion Coaching Clip [Video], YouTube, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lh0EE2_Y2io&t=4s)

Emotion coaching is not about fixing your child’s emotions or shielding them from life’s frustrations. Instead, it’s about guiding them through their emotional landscape with empathy and understanding, so they can develop the skills they need to manage their feelings in a healthy way.

By practicing emotion coaching, you nurture emotional intelligence, foster resilience, and strengthen your bond with your child. As they grow, these skills will serve them well, helping them navigate relationships, challenges, and the world around them with confidence instead of popping under pressure.